G’day folks sorry I have been gone a while!

 G’day readers this is Mia g Vayner the author and founder of this blog, the last month of 2012 and the first few weeks of 2013 have been both heaven and hell to me for the best part of 2 decades 2 beautiful children who made up the biggest piece of my heart were gone from my life.

Late   November 2012, I received a facebook message from my kids that they wanted to be part of my life again, and so dialogue began and today we speak daily and they have told me many times they loved me so the hole in my soul has been filled. So you can imagine my thoughts and my drive just might have been busy elsewhere.

In November when things were going well I nearly lost my finger when my hand  slipped of my push rail into my spinning steel spokes, so at the same time that my heart was mending my body was hurting. Still I made you guys a promise to not stop working for the goal of equal rights and treatment until there was no fight left to be fought, so for slipping up and not being fully engaged I apologize.

I have in this time because I realize the fight while might be single minded can never be won by just one single person alone, so I have invited you the reader to contribute to my blog. Some have applied many have made noise but so far the jobs are still open please consider.

Today our government is speaking as I type  on new gun laws, in response to the slaughter of babies that occurred at sandy hook school  just 33 days ago, and we are winding down those useless wars in Afghanistan with 60,000 soldiers coming home.

Since the wars in both Afghanistan and Iraq began  this useless violence has added over 2 million of our strongest and bravest to the ranks of the disabled, I’m sorry Mr. president and the congress but if you build a society it is your sworn duty as elected officials to care for them.  I’m sorry if you put 2 million people anywhere in the country it would be declared a large city and have  every protection and service and utility that that provides, so where do you get off providing anything less to the 2 million who served you with honor and now simply want you to keep your part of the deal?.

Two thousand and thirteen is only three weeks old and over 900 Americans have died due to gun violence and hundreds have died at war and every day beautiful babies are born with debilitating illnesses that came from the same gene pool that gave them their blue eyes and it’s not their fault.

 Not their fault, but it is the sworn duty of any government anywhere in the world to provide every care and service they need and it is to this end that I from today am promising I am back in the game 1000%. So please stay with me and let me know when you need help and how I can help you.

 Thank you and here’s hope for a better 2013. Mia G

PTSD some have to live with it others see it as an atm!

In 2009 after many years of emotional darkness I was diagnosed with PTSD, it finally made sense and for three short months I had a wonderful  counselor in my native Australia.  Then it came time to return from my native Australia to New York a town I had called home since  meeting the love of my life My bashaert  Ella in 1998.

I set about finding a replacement for the amazing Lisa, the first one  was a witch and the other word that rhymes with it she thought it was professional to give a client a midnight call telling  me I was “too damaged goods” and she wanted out.

After another 3 months I found the seemingly qualified Jennifer and for about a year it seemed to work. Suddenly month by month it seemed I was more an ATM than a client to her, and it culminated with a 10pm abusive call reminiscent of a drunk ex calling a boy or girlfriend they still loved? What is it with therapists and late night calls?

Finally I thought I had found the right one, until I realized she never once talked about my PTSD, never once talked about the decade long molestation that caused it from my childhood but she too discussed her fee a lot? I swear I was starting to wonder if you swiped a card down my butt crack would my eyes read “DO YOU AGRE TO PAY A $3.00 FEE?”

So she was kicked to the curb, I added it up in 3 years I have spent almost the equivalent to the deposit needed to get a mortgage and all I ever got out of it was the phone numbers of three incompetents and an empty bank account?

So I am rolling away from therapy, I have a woman who has loved me for almost 14 years and if I have a say will still be here in another 30 or however long I have on this mortal coil, I have the dharma and now I have Zeus  my service dog, and he seems to know more about what I need when I’m down than all the so called therapists put together.

So from time to time If I seem down or a bit out of it or my posts get a little dark, I apologize in advance but I have for a long time lived and achieved by the credo “IF IT IS MEANT TO BE IT’S UP TO ME” and so shall it be.

Songs of my youth

When I was a kid I was really into music especially Elvis, but as the molestation got worse my music got darker.

When I was young I liked Elvis, and   upbeat music, in my teens I started to collect Alice cooper, Alice has a song Steven   it is a song where a boy sings about dying it was during the worst of the sexual molestation and for a while it seemed like a legitimate out.

http://youtu.be/_7ldQGv_n50 

If you just opened the link  above and listened you might have an idea of the space I was in, I’m over 50 now I came close to living out the words a couple of times in the past 4 decades but thankfully I’m still here.

When Momma died in 2007 the bottom fell out of my world, and nightmares started and  the doctors finally called it ptsd. They told me there was a path  and it has a light at the end, some days it looks like salvation others the 7 train and it’s not slowing down and I’m tied to the tracks. The difference is this isn’t perils of Pauline, no hero will save me at the last minute I have to do that myself.

This past month besides dealing with what is jokingly referred to normal everyday life (over fifty in a wheelchair for life, recovering from child molestation flash backs, transgender and lesbian,   disowned by my family and the other side of the world from my children) I was house bound in a class4 hurricane then had an accident that nearly took a finger off. So for 5 weeks I haven’t left my home haven’t exercised I am stir crazy life has been hell.

I had my first therapy session today but because of my hand injury I couldn’t get there, so I had to have it over the phone. Phone therapy to me is like cyber sex, at first glance it looks satisfying but when it’s over you feel like you paid money for nothing.  I mean really? Phone therapy? She can’t watch my body language, she can’t see emotions I could do it from a business desk wearing a headset.

 The kind of therapy I am meant to have is called EMDR, It works by the therapist closely watching every muscle and nerve movement, how can that be done over the phone?

I am sitting home in the same small space I have been stuck in since the week before hurricane sandy, and the idea of the therapy is to relieve stress but in reality it was just one more voice coming from the outside I can’t get to it really felt like I was having my confinement rubbed into my face.

My hand should be well enough to leave the house next week, so hopefully one of the almost 2 dozens problems is crossed off the list. So when you see me on a rock wall and you ask “how’s your day?” and I replay “normal” before you say great remember normal for you is rainbows and roses normal for me is Stephen king on a good day.

 I’m not writing this to whine and say woe is me, It’s just that lately I sense from some friends that they have distanced themselves.  I need them to know when they take a breath before they call because they are reticent to ask how I am, I am doing my best every day to keep my head above water. When I was a kid in Australia there was a band called “not drowning waving” to me that would be a step up.

I don’t need fair-weather friends, I don’t expect people to be my mother I had one of them and she really fucked the job up. What I need is for the people to be there when they say they will show up, when they have told me they will be there. If you just want to hang out let me know we’ll have one hell of a goodtime and no expectations, but if you tell me you’re here for the long time think before you offer because I have had 5 decades of lies deceit and molestation and being left behind and I don’t do repeats they never work.

I’m here I’m queer I have wheels under my ass and demons in my sleep and I fight every day to accept the love offered because its meta to my soul. You can either be a guest at the banquet table or a pedestrian walking past, but If you decide to stop and eat at my table be a gracious honest guest. shalom.

When you live on your memories the foundation collapses eventually

When Like me you first lose your family’s love when you scream “momma he raped me” and the he is your brother so no one believes you, you lose a few pieces of your life a brother here a sister there an uncle who doesn’t believe you.

So you hang onto hero’s, Billy Wigzel the world champion motor cycle rider in the poster he signed for you on the wall that night at Rowley park and the team photo with you and snake Scarvellis the year east Torrens payneham cleaned up at the grand finals and the year you were Australian judo champion with your beloved sensei Neil Ballard.

Then you marry the wrong woman and you lose a few more family and friends, so you keep a copy of max fatchens column in the Adelaide news paper that you read to your grand ma whenever you visited.

Then the Marriage collapses for a dozen different  reasons, It would have eventually you were gay you tried your hardest you were faithful but it was so hard you would have eventually faltered,so you lose your church friends your last few family friends after all you met them through your wife.

Eventually you finally decide to find out where those planes over head are flying to, so you  have met someone and they live across the world so you buy a ticket and you decide life here is no more let’s see if the rest of the world is any better?

The years go by, life has its ups and downs, you build a new life the best one you can disability hits now there are  wheels under your ass but your mind is sharp so you reach back way back far into your life and you think maybe, just maybe life would be good   if you hang onto friends, if you hang onto hero’s, if you hang onto your favorite coach your favorite sensei your favorite music.

You read the paper from your hometown  It’s so far away across the world so far away, every day online a school friend dies of a heart attack then your lacrosse coach dies  from cancer then you lose a little of your foundation your school friend gets hit by a car you judo sensei dies of cancer the man who taught you how to play defense dies in Alice springs  at an early age the old man who ran the bar and gave you sanctuary from your molester passes from old age your life feels like a house built on sand.

You live with PTSD so when the flash backs hit you grab for those few people, those few good memories amongst the years of terror, now you’re no longer young and your hero’s are either old or dead  What do you do?

So you lie on a strangers couch and talk about losing your teddy bear when you were five? Do you finally scream to your universe” when I was three my brother started putting things in me and as he got older he raped me every day?”  And take meds or seek help or both?

On a good day you have your loving wife to wake up next to, But on a bad day you wake up screaming ten times a night and during the day you find the moments when your mind is empty for just a second suddenly is filled with hi-def DVD’s of everyone of the over 7,000 rapes and pedophilic molestations you survived. This month I have read the death notices of so many people who were the building blocks of my life friends here say “easy stop reading the obituaries” so does that mean Ignorance is really bliss?

Or will the hurt be combined with guilt because you never knew in a decent time so you never sent your condolences? I don’t have a solution just a life,  and even though some days are good a house with no foundation falls down in a storm and my life is nothing if not a storm and as of the latest Adelaide advertiser online  my foundation  has completely collapsed.

So Now you find out who your real friends are, does your face book friends lists deplete, does your phone start ringing off without ever being answered? Only time will tell.

To

Rick

Peter

Snake

Johnno

Grandma

Grandpa

Ant

Pat

Sensei Neil

Momma Rita

And so many more thank you for the anchor you were in my life your work is done, it’s my turn now your memories will carry me on

So you Survived the storm, but how long before you can leave home?

I normally swim 2 miles a morning several times a week and  I climb 30-40 ft rock walls every Tuesday Thursday and Saturday and race 10 mile 20 mile and marathons in my wheelchair all through the year on the far rockaway boardwalk.

I am not a person who handles being confined very well, I also besides my training have internist, neurologist endocrinologist and skin cancer doctor’s appointments most weeks. Also every Sunday we travel about 1 mile each way and visit poppa. That was until Thursday when Hurricane sandy started to become a reality and since then my little 35ft long by 20 foot wide studio apartment has become my whole world.

The only way I can leave my apartment is to use the elevator to the basement 1 floor down, and then use the garbage ramp as a wheelchair ramp. The ramp exits into a garden so this morning it is covered with debris from fallen trees and leaves blown onto it.The path from it and through my complex and onto the street are covered with fallen trees,and  they just announced the seven train  has  taken on more damage than most. So even when I can leave my home I cannot get anywhere because it may be many days before the train to anywhere will be running.

I fill my life with multiple activities to keep the terrors of my severe PTSD at bay, because  when my days are empty my terror see it as an opportunity  to invade every waking and sleeping moment with reruns of my childhood molestation in high def on permanent loop.

Well I have had a novel on back burner because of writers block for a while now, Looks like I finally work out who done it and put key strike to computer and make my publisher happy.

To my readers who live with PTSD and other mental health demons, if you have just survived sandy call your doctor , call your therapist go to the hospital if you need it. This is not  the time to be tough this is time to be good to yourself . Be well.

What do you do when you’re helping everyone else survive something that terrifies you to death?

It started last year during Hurricane Irene when people started calling texting and emailing me that they couldn’t get their wheelchairs into shelters, so I rang texted and emailed Christine Quinn’s office and we started networking I didn’t sleep for 36 hours.

Yes I was busy but the truth is serious storms especially thunder and lightning terrify me, when I was a kid in the bush you could see a storm coming for hundreds of miles across the desert it was like a monster walking slowly.From the security of my single bed leaning on the window sill you saw trees hit by lightning a hundred miles away, and you saw branch lightning hit with six strikes simultaneously. The thunder was so damn deafening and as a small kid all I could do was peek out my bedroom window and shake under my blankets. As I hid under my bed shaking I would be  reciting quickly “now I lay me down to sleep I pray the lord my soul to keep If I should die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take” 

I never got to the god bless mommy and daddy and grandma part, because as a lightning strike would light up the bush sky I would dive under the  blankets and not come out till the thunder stopped.

In the outback the only time it wasn’t storming it was probably a wall of bush fire I would see in the distance, it became more than childhood fear. It is in my later life a diagnosed fear that can cripple me.

So as I sit here typing rain is getting heavier against the one window in my studio apartment, and the wind is bending the tree in the courtyard a little more every minute.

My fears are growing almost as quick as the emails in my inbox asking where an accessible shelter is, and who they can call to get their wheelchair and oxygen bottle to a relative’s home.

The news tells me that within 4 hours the winds will be 40-50 miles an hour, and the rain coming will be as much as 12 inches over night and even more when sandy hits full on in about 20 hours.

So to those asking for help I’m doing my best, and to my friends who just want to chat or see if I’m ok  I apologize in advance if my reply is slow because It might take  a while to crawl out from under my duvet. Anyway I’ll do my best.

A PROMINENT Queensland psychiatrist believes laws should be changed to allow the state to lock up troubled teens removed from their families.

Mia’s Thoughts- I am living proof  that incarceration of troubled youth  doesn’t work, in the 60’s and 70’s in Adelaide South Australia for troubled youth under 16 there was Brookway Park detention center and for youth over 16 but not 18 there was the magill reformatory. Magill was commonly referred to as the “block” because at the back of the pretty front buildings, there was an antiquated square castle looking structure with 20 foot high brick walls topped with razor wire for the “trouble kids”.
I was threatened with brookway park for things such as answering back when my catholic shop teacher called my mother a slut because she was divorced. When the same teacher told me to put my hand out to get the ruler on the palm of the hand( whic was the state approved corporal punishment of the day) and when I did he grabbed my hand pulled me to the floor and whipped my body all over and when i reported him I was called troublesome.
 In adelaide they had steps to brookway park, that were not much better, there was a court mandated school where you were picked up by a secure bus every day called the “norwood project center”NPC was run by a man called john and a woman called Peta mcquinney  and a finnish women called marie who ended up having sexual relations with a student, so you can see the system was broken. There was another court appointed school called south east corner school, they went the complete other way, they were run by hippies and we were called “children of god” and we never were punished, we were asked to “realise our effect on the universe”?
I was about to be sent to reformatory, either brookway or magill when a saint called Mike belnap stepped in with an educational model called ” the alternative learning mode”  commonly known as “the hutz”  The hutz was a group where students from every grade from 8 to 12 not only shared one classroom they built and decorated the building as a group learning exercise. There were teachers, Mike Belnap and Trevor Brown but there was also an student council who held court when you screwed up, and voted on new applicants.
We had a daily score card 20 dollars fro a good class 10 for just showing up and minus for screwing up, the teacher of each class had to give you the rating and at the start of each year you had to meet with the teacherand  ask to be in their class. You worked out a behaviour contract with them, in short you were held responsible for you, and the rules you were held to. You had a say in your life and if you failed there were consequences, just like in the real world and several of the students came from magill or brookway and this was their last chance.  so queensland before you start locking them away actually care for a change do what you went to school for and do it right.

 

 

Child Protection Inquiry hears psychiatrist call for trouble teens to be locked up

Reposted from a story in the brisbane courier mail  by: Michael Madigan  From: The Courier-Mail October 26, 2012 12:00AM

Dr Michelle Fryer, chair of the Queensland branch of the Faculty of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, is one of several professionals supporting a return to some form of institutional-style care for disturbed teens.

As the Child Protection Inquiry prepares to release a landmark issues paper on Friday examining international options for child safety, Dr Fryer has told the inquiry to consider a “secure children’s home”, a model already used in England.

In a submission on behalf of the prestigious Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Psychiatrists, Dr Fryer said a small but troubled group of Queensland teens at risk of a life behind bars needed to be kept in a secure location.

“Such models provide secure therapeutic facilities for such young people where they can receive the therapeutic help that they need before they are on a trajectory towards long-term incarceration in the adult prison system,” the submission said.

Secure children’s homes in England have the power to restrict movement of occupants.

Dr Fryer’s submission suggests “a new legislative framework which allows for restrictive care of children at extreme risk”.

A group of hundreds of Queensland children removed from families is coming to the attention of mental health, child protection and other social services through intermittent contact, usually in a crisis involving emergency departments or police.

The $9 million inquiry, established partially to investigate 25-year-old allegations of child abuse in state-run institutions, looks on track to present the State Government with its recommendations next April.

Housing teens in suburban homes, often rented or owned by private organisations, is now costing the state hundreds of millions of dollars a year.

Police constantly called in to deal with destructive behaviours and track down runaways, say they cannot continue acting as de facto child care workers.

The child protection inquiry is expected to today release an issues paper examining international models of child protection, some of which will help shape recommendations expected to be handed to the State Government next April