When a woman has a baby she shows the child how to drink, how to eat, how to stand, how to walk,how to talk. As a child grows they are taught right from wrong and they go to school to have further education with the point being that their mind will be expanded to the point where they too can step out in the world have a career become someone, meet someone they supposedly care about and again one day have a child and do it all over again.
The process of cognitive moral and social development of a human from birth to the point where they are capable of walking in society as productive creative beings is a trust, one that we constantly abuse. We abort, we destroy souls, continuums what ever you want to call them. We demolish humans so we can build prisons and hospitals, we license dogs but not parents? A dog lives maybe 20 years a human with all it’s potential to hate to kill to destroy and to molest can live over 100 years. Yet the first we can be fined for not neutering and registering,but the latter can be dragged up by morons molested by monsters an educated by fools and destroyed by religions.
Yet as long as they can stand walk dress and earn a living we create days to celebrate the breeding unit that spat them out and the stud animal that impregnated the bearer and for the rest of your life no matter how miserable, how destroyed how dark, were meant to once a year lay praises on two humans for producing us when in reality rutting and child birth is done every day by insects with IQ’s in the single digits and by stray dogs but praise the world says we must.
What is there to praise if the so called mother knew her spouse spent more time in your bed molesting you than they ever did in hers?, that they used their bedding to drown out your screams when the same person who fathered you rapes you every night. In fact he doesn’t make you special by that act, the only reason he reproduces it seems is to have victims to line up so when one gets too big no problem another perfect victim is ripening right on time.
When you ,if you do manage to grow to the point where you can run and not look back, when you finally think the door will never open again at 3am to make you cry for a mother who never hears. A new stage begins, a stage where the door no longer needs to open because every single bad touch, every bad act and every penetration every forced sex act starting at not even 3 years of age has been recorded in high def in the huge part of the human brain scientists are always telling us we never use.
If like me you’re a person living with PTSD, you now know why it’s not used, its the video library of every piece of hell you have ever lived and they’re on permanent loop waiting to play in the very core of your being growing louder and louder till you sit upright screaming an screaming and screaming until it feels like you can never stop.
The doctors will tell you they can help, they will tell you they can take you to a time when you only knew the joy of childhood and rebuild you as a human from there. They will do their best to convince you that it’s possible, that there must be some great memory but you have just blocked it out.
But when your earliest memory is your father raping and beating your mother because she complained when she caught him raping his daughters, both barely teens and he blamed mom because she was pregnant and he had needs. And when the girls ran he turned to the boys, and when he ran the boys turned to you, and when you grew the sibling turned to the baby tell me which one of those memories shall I build on to a blissful old age?
A couple of years ago a therapist, very drunk rang me at midnight and told me I was just too damaged goods for her ,just too much hard work I told her to fuck herself.
How dare she write me off? But as the process was explained to me it has occurred to me that I may just be jealous of her, you see she got to walk away from me but I never can.
Who know maybe with my new therapist we can rebuild the module for helping the severely abused? maybe we can build new memories for those like me who have nothing to build from. The last fifteen years have given me great memories with Ella, but every one of those over 7,000 nights has been filled with the 3 am picture shows the only difference being I had a date for the double feature horror movie that was my nightly experience.
Perhaps we can use some of our time together as the foundation, But until we work it out it’s just me Zeus Ella and over 7,000 memories played in high def nightly to choose from. Blue-ray has nothing on the unlocked memories of a childhood spent in a hell so dark Dante would never have dared talk about it.
Anyway to my friends don’t worry I’ll still be here tomorrow and the day after, I just won’t always be great company or even want to come out and play and I never have been any good at suffering fools but I don’t even think that has anything to do with my abuse I just cannot handle people who waste oxygen.
Well I am here and that’s enough for now