I must dreaming please stop screaming…

 

Have you ever had a dream, a way out of the Hell that is your existence? a dream that is the only thing that keeps you from tripping off the mortal coil in a PTSD nightmare filled flash back driven life that is only yours in the Nano seconds it takes for one memory of hell to finish and the next to play?

I have, I dreamt of waking back in the bush with wild life and the smell of eucalyptus, a place where my neighbors are nature and geology and red dirt and animals that come when I call and livestock who show undying love and I give it back. To most who know me they would say that’s the outback mia, your remembering anama station, dulkaninna, pinkelly via tibouburra what you speak of is namajirras vision dorothea McKellar’s vision splendid  banjo Patterson’s kosiousckos side or Clancy’s overflow in short my beloved Australia.

Australia will always be where my heart remains but it is also where my hells is it is where my nightmares were born. I can go back for short burst a few months at a time but to live there once again for ever is a thing at least at now I cannot foresee it so the search began for a piece of desert somewhere with all the above qualifications and it took many years and many false starts but finally we found candy kitchen a little piece of Cibola county in New Mexico closer to Arizona border than Albuquerque and the planning began.

What others would call bad luck we called a sign it is 6 miles up a road up a mountain the last 2 miles  4wd drive only, my architect was terrified and quit two builders said you’re bloody  mad and finally we met a couple and they said “we’ll give it a go” and our dream began to take shape.

People still think I’m crazy a wheelchair using seizure suffering PTSD sufferer living on a mountain top completely off the grid. We planned to be there by September 2014 but there is an old saying

“How do you make god laugh? You tell him your plans”

So I was emotionally set to be rid of NYC and go bush as we aussies say, then something came up so it was January. Again hanging on by my nails then el-ninio hit so now it was to be May 2015 a friend from Australia was coming, at the last minute he never showed up at the airport and a month later we found him. After a mound of excuses he said he’d be there august he’d bring thousands to live on and buy a car.

August came he arrived penniless, no clothes, no transport  and hundreds of miles from my place.

I hadn’t seen him in 20 years,the man I knew was as honest as the day is long and a jack of all trades, the man who arrived was con artist, a thief and  a criminal who used my construction timber for fire wood and cost me thousands. A build that should have taken two weeks wasn’t even started, again I am on the point of physical and mental break I have my paradise but am I ever meant to live there?

We finally got rid of our problem by October and we had three months of storms now it’s 2016 its may and were heading there with the intent of going fulltime in June. I was breathing, the end was in sight, may was wonderful but the house is still a long way from finished but our builders are doing their best with what mother nature throws at them but June is cancelled?

June is now, as I write we should be packing the car and driving to our piece of heaven. Were not going now, now it’s set for the last day of august.

During this last year I was attacked they smashed my shoulder, I have a 97%tear of my left rotator cuff and strangulated nerves to my left bicep and  had major surgery in february.

So now even if my emotions were strong enough to still hang on by my fingertips It’s all on one arm, because 5 months after surgery My left arm is useless. My days are spent home alone from 7am to 7pm, just me and my mazing service dog Zeus. He gets my ptsd and my flash backs and my seizures, he doesn’t judge he just does what he’s trained to do and then hundred times more with the love he gives in my darkest moments.

The new go date is last day of august, on a good day both hands can grip the ledge but most days I’m hanging by one with Zeus on my lap and I count the hours. Today is a bad day, I have had a seizure, I have zoned out multiple times and sat bolt upright as I come back to the room. And my left arm is locked and immovable and hurts like hell.

I’m still here,  I’m hanging on,  it’s my vision splendid from the edge of my mountain top that keeps me here. Maybe it will be different next week? maybe it won’t? but the one thing I do know is only dirt on my wheels and fresh air in my hair will make it all worthwhile.

Pulse night club Orlando

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I wrote about gun laws today and I know I pissed a few people off but hey it’s my blog line forms to the right, I have been trying to wrap my brain around what it is I want to say.

My heart is breaking, as many of you know my entire back is tattooed with half open roses with blood dripping from them,

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the tattoo is there because in the nineties in Queensland Australia transgender women and sex workers were being raped beaten and murdered and the stats never made the books,the crimes never made front page. The crimes remained anonymous  because the homophobic police state that Queensland was and some say still is reported “a man was found dead wearing women’s clothing”.

They would post her male name and when you asked a cop are we safe he would say “ there are no stats to back up any claims that trans women are being attacked!” yet six of my closest friends in almost ten years  disappeared.

Those beautiful sentient beings never got to bloom, they never got to shine their roses never opened and the papers and the cops forgot them so I have kept them alive in my heart and mind and on my back forever  in living color.

Gay clubs are like church, a club in fortitude valley Queensland actually called their Sunday session church so you could tell your parents if you were in the closet “I’m at church I’ll be home later”

Now I can name at least ten friends who will go apeshit because I dare call a night club church, but if they read The bible it actually says “church is not the stone and wood and graven images it is the people who gather who believe in one faith “ That is why I call the clubs church we all believe, we all believe in each other, in our right to be free to be loved to be unharmed because we love whom we love. Some days when every redneck want’s to claim their right to damn you to hell, and call you faggot and some double wide bitch in a women’s bathroom tries to hunt you out because you simply want to pee if you make it to the club and you roll in in my case there is usually some barperson normally gorgeous who knows your name, your drink your spot at the bar and you feel like your home.

You’re home, you’re safe and the music gets louder it drowns out the haters ,it drowns out  the noise and it takes over and for that few hours  you’re not called an abomination , a freak a fag a tranny you’re “darling ,beautiful, baby friend, sister brother or whatever you’re identity or your preference your way of living loving and presenting to the world it’s ok.

Ok not NORMAL because I hate normal, what the hell is it? Who is the ruler of what is normal? Were just ok and loved and we belong just like cheers but more glitter.

We don’t hate if you come to a gay club with me  and you’re straight,of course you’ll get checked out and you’ll get asked to dance and your choice is “no thanks” or if you’re smart dance like you no one’s watching and have the time of your life and guess what you’ll still be straight when you leave like you were when you came just happier because that’s what gay clubs are about. They’re about dancing, music, drinking, beauty  and love and happiness for everyone.

One of the women killed was a straight mother of 11 whose only crime was loving her gay son so much she went dancing with him, and the asshole who will remain nameless on this blog assumed she was gay so he shot her. He shot so many and he hated so many and he it sounds like hated himself most because as the story unfolds it is showing it seems that he was gay on the down low.

It’s pride month all over America  so we’ll stop for a moment of silence then we’ll party like it’s the last party on earth and we’ll dance like no one is watching we’ll kiss like lovers do fuck like rabbits and dance some more. Not because we don’t remember the fallen but because we do, that’s how we remember beautiful lives lost with more beautiful life.

I’ll never say the monsters name again, but I’ll say the fallen  and departed names often , because that’s how you smile by remembering beauty, by remembering heroes and caring loving lovers and the bouncer who was a marine who had fought for his country fought for his right to love and even you’re right to hate and Sunday morning that hate came to pulse night club.

The next day ISIS said their fighter had destroyed “an abomination on the face of the earth” well motherfuckers the straight owner of the club YES STRAIGHT has vowed to rebuild bigger and better and brighter and gayer and the new design will not only remember her brother who died of aids like the old club but each and every one of the 49 beautiful people who died there and the fifty who were wounded because  to all who hate our love is bigger brighter and indestructible.

Every time you hit we’ll shine brighter,because guns don’t win hate doesn’t win only love wins  and there is one thing my beautiful brothers and sisters in the LGBTQ community never have a shortage of and that’s big bright glittering love.

The full list of names of those killed released by the City of Orlando is as follows:

  • Stanley Almodovar III, 23 years old
  • Amanda Alvear, 25 years old
  • Oscar A Aracena-Montero, 26 years old
  • Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33 years old
  • Antonio Davon Brown, 29 years old
  • Darryl Roman Burt II, 29 years old
  • Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28 years old
  • Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25 years old
  • Luis Daniel Conde, 39 years old
  • Cory James Connell, 21 years old
  • Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25 years old
  • Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32 years old
  • Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez, 31 years old
  • Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25 years old
  • Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26 years old
  • Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22 years old
  • Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22 years old
  • Paul Terrell Henry, 41 years old
  • Frank Hernandez, 27 years old
  • Miguel Angel Honorato, 30 years old
  • Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40 years old
  • Jason Benjamin Josaphat, 19 years old
  • Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, 30 years old
  • Anthony Luis Laureanodisla, 25 years old
  • Christopher Andrew Leinonen, 32 years old
  • Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21 years old
  • Brenda Lee Marquez McCool, 49 years old
  • Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez, 25 years old
  • Kimberly Morris, 37 years old
  • Akyra Monet Murray, 18 years old
  • Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo, 20 years old
  • Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez, 25 years old
  • Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36 years old
  • Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32 years old
  • Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35 years old
  • Enrique L. Rios, Jr., 25 years old
  • Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, 27 years old
  • Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, 35 years old
  • Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24 years old
  • Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24 years old
  • Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34 years old
  • Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33 years old
  • Martin Benitez Torres, 33 years old
  • Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega, 24 years old
  • Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37 years old
  • Luis S. Vielma, 22 years old
  • Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez, 50 years old
  • Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37 years old
  • Jerald Arthur Wright, 31 years old

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Hey America turn off the NRA and listen, no one’s taking your guns they just want to keep them from terrorists

 

The AR-15 sometimes called the bushmaster, depending which incarnation from which company you are talking about was originally invented for use by swat and anti- terrorist units and border patrol as a light weight alternative to the military weapons of the seventies such as the m-16 and the SLR 7.62 mm which could weigh as much as 20lbs loaded.

As gang problems arose in cities such as LA and cartels started crossing the border, they had the latest weapons from Europe because money was no object. The police  decided they needed to be equally quick, light and fast moving so the “semi” automatic ar-15 was born.

Let’s get one thing straight I am not anti- gun I am all for sane non- criminal people who are not on a terrorist watch list being able to purchase a domestic weapon to hunt, target shoot, or for work or self-protection.

Does it make sense to anyone that a suspected terrorist deemed dangerous enough to be on a no-fly list is still allowed to buy guns?

I have had military training with weapons like the ar-15, my weapon of choice was the Belgian slr 7.62 mm rifle as used by commonwealth military forces up until the early 80’s it was the weapon of Vietnam.

The slr in trained hands has two settings single shot and full auto, full auto can release in a standard clip 20 bullets in about 2 seconds.

As a single shot it was the snipers of the day choice, as without any special sights it was accurate at a thousand yards, over that with sights and a spotter the record was for 1 mile in Vietnam.

These weapons take training, their bullets are designed only to kill, when they enter the body (speaking of the slr) it makes a neat half inch hole on exit there is nothing left from the waste to the shoulder blades at close quarters. They have no use as a hunting weapon, and if you want 7.62mm to bring down big game the domestic equivalent is 3.08 single shot

There is no civilian use for any weapon of war, they taught us in the military a well-placed single shot is deadlier than any spray from full auto you waste ammo and all it is is noise, unless you’re in a closed space with innocent civilians who are not trained then it’s pure slaughter .

You never forget the sound of full auto, or  the smoke and the smell of cordite and gunpowder in the air, it gets in your hair, your nostrils and the only thing worse is the blood that smell you never forget.

No one is stealing guns from honest Americans, but if you’re really honest automatic weapons are not for your hunting they’re for your ego.

Psychiatrists who have worked with special forces for decades have shown that less than 1% of 1% of the population even armed with weapons of war have the balls to pull the trigger on another human. So all the talk about well-armed civilians could have fought back is BS

Unless you’re ready to aim at central body mass and pull the trigger and keep squeezing until the threat drops don’t carry a gun, there’s no wild west shooting the gun out of their hand no one is really that good and they can still pull a trigger with the other.

The cry from the NRA IS” good people with a gun could have killed him” Good people don’t have it in them to kill.

Own your hunting rifles, your glock, your shotgun for bird hunting and fowl if you really must but if you need full auto to hunt you have no place hunting.

If we turn down the NRA noise and listen to our own common sense,

A person who is court ordered to live with their mother because they were mentally ill has no place with a gun, yet the boy who slaughtered babies at sandy hook was just such a person,

An American citizen of Afghan heritage who was watched by the FBI for ten months and everyone he knew questioned because he admitted telling coworkers he was Al-Qaida affiliated, and was on the no fly list for a year then again made terroristic comments should not be allowed to buy or own weapons yet he did and passed background checks?

If like my friends in candy kitchen New mexico you’re an upright law abiding honest American who just wants to hunt or have protection go for it, but even they would tell you they don’t want a neighbor on lithium and other mental health drugs carrying an automatic weapon.

If you really want to protect your second amendment rights don’t jump on bandwagons funded by gun manufacturers, stand up for the families of the dead and make theirs a club that receives no new members because you tell the people you vote for

“Here’s our deal. We’ll back a call for common sense and we agree those who hate our country are dangerous enough I don’t want them armed, and if my neighbor is so out of control they take him for mental evaluation he shouldn’t own a gun and if someone did time for a violent felony I don’t want to arm them for their next crime”.

None of that is a “Kenyan Muslim taking my guns” it’s a caring law to stop the madness.

And stop praying for god to intervene even if such a being does exist and he is everything he’s meant to be he would be disgusted by now and have his back turned.

So you’re not god after all dr jobin?

The surgeon looked at me and said “after we rebuild your shoulder within 3 months it will actually work better than before” and the pain? I asked him “totally gone in 3 months” he went on to tell me that I would be back rock climbing within 4 months!

Wow fantastic pain gone in 3 climbing again in 4, BLOODY FANTASTIC

Well that doctor sent me home with oxy-condone, oxy-contin, hydro-morphine, naproxen and whenever I said the pain wasn’t getting any better he just replied”take the pills”

Well it’s the 6th of June the surgery was the 4th of February and my left arm is useless, the pain is agonizing. If I roll on my arm in the night I awake screaming, and all they want to do is give me Opioids? Yes Opioids the largest and fastest growing cause of addiction and overdose facing this country but hey let’s not be a doctor and fix lets be an author and just write scripts?

I should have known the doctor was a hack when I took off the bandages and of my five surgical incisions he had completely missed one and not sutured it closed? Yes the doctor forgot to stitch up the patient!

The thing that pisses me off the most is, I have battled my weight my whole life but through a constant regimen of exercise I have been able to control it, but since my injury I have put up on more than 60lbs because I can’t even push my manual chair faster than a walk.

So I have not entered any road races at all,or rolled ten miles regularly like I used to or rolled the 6 mile course in central park and I used to swim 2 miles a day and I haven’t swam since October 21st the day the injury occurred.

Tell me mr surgeon my arm is not better than before,I can’t even use it I would be better off with a prosthetic, and the pain is 12 out of 10 so what happened ? What did you fuck up? But I’ll never know because you don’t want to hear from me.

How does a one armed gimp push in a straight line? #youspinmerightroundbaby

The four walls seem to be getting smaller and that is hard to do when the apartment is only 22 ft. by 17ft a shoebox can only get so small! The world seems smaller anyway when you have wheels under your ass so I used to do every adaptive sport I could find. That all ended in February when a hack surgeon called dr jobin drilled 5 holes in my shoulder and forgot to close one of them when he was finished.

Yes supposedly New York’s best orthopedic surgeon forgot to suture me closed when he was finished and his response was “oh I did didn’t I, my bad” at least you didn’t get anything nasty from my mistake.

So with all the talk about doctors turning their prescription pads into cash machines and the media intimating it only happens in poor neighborhoods the head of Columbia docs sent me home with a ten day supply of each of the following

Percocet

Hydro-morphine

Oxy-Codeine

Oxy-contin

Naproxen

Then of course he said all of these individually will either give me constipation or Diahorea so there were ten other pils to counter those disgusting conditions.

All in all almost 2 dozen different  pills and he kept refilling them for two months, then when you’re having the worst day of your life and you have one day worth of pain pills left and without notice he cuts me off after two months of giving out scripts legally and morally restricted to ten days max then he decides to make me go cold turkey? Is that a gate closing after a horse has bolted I hear?

So now over three months after the surgery, coincidentally the timeline in which he said all would be well and all pain would be a thing of the past, my left arm the one he drilled in has limited movement and has gone back to having similar levels of pain as experienced shortly after surgery. The doctors response is not to call me in for a checkup, no that would be ethical it’s to tell me “everyone’s different just wait”

So one month away from retiring to a small acreage on a mountain top in new Mexico where every day requires two good arms to wrangle large beasts and dig gardens and build fences for acres I can’t lift a coffee cup, but even worse 48 hours from steering a dodge power Ram 50 with a 2 inch lift almost two and a half thousand miles I still can’t lift the coffee cup?

So Mr Jobin, so called MD the surgery you told me would make me “better than at birth” better than six months before the injury” has left me a one armed gimp.

So the tens of thousands you recovered for fucking up my arm I hope makes you happy putz,  because You at this point have not only left my wife to manage a disabled spouse in a manual wheelchair now you have left her having to push the chair because with one arm you can only spin it in circles!

Attention readers This blog is written by an Aussie in New York called Mia noone else

well they say impersonation is the highest form of flattery, or these days it means you’re the victim of identity theft. I was contacted this morning by one diane taylor calling me rose not miarosa and she was asking to interview me! bonus

So I wrote back and corrected her saying my name was actually miarosa not rose, to which she replied noncholantly “oh not you rose hill the woman who is associated with this bog” Really now my thoughts evidently are being claimed by someone else? what a sick fuck ! if you want authorship of my PTSD, of the demns in my head, of the memories that give me night terrors then you must really hate yourself.

But be very clear readers, terrifying or not the words on this blog are mine, from time to time I ask intelligent people to contribute but noone but me is the owner of this blog.

This blog was started february 4th 2010 when after some brat teens tried to tip me out of my chair and I went terminal on their asses, my wife sat down next to me and said “mia with your lifetime of martial arts training and anger you have a choice get yourself a good criminal defence lawyer or find someway to vent”! we couldn’t afford to pay a lawyer so the blog was born.

So to whom ever rose hill is if you want to chat contact me, but don’t steal my being, don’t take my memories. There is a line in the Dolly Parton song jolene that says it best”please don’t take my man just because you can”

In the darkest minutes of my existence with a broken body and a bruised soul, my writing is the only thing that keeps me on this mortal coil. I really want to be on this ride called life as long as I can so please don’t take the thing that powers my ride.

 

Let’s worry about who is in the stall next to you in the toilet while your state is falling to pieces.

 

The following states have either put in place hb2 laws or are currently voting them in

North Carolina

Tennessee

Mississippi

Oxford Alabama city

The states that are voting or have already voted to bring in “toilet laws” where they are demanding to know what’s between your legs before you go into the bathroom, are by coincidence the states with on average the highest rates of teenage pregnancy, homelessness, crystal meth dependency, inner city crime, farm repossession, child and spousal abuse murder and gun crime  and yes last but not least morbid life threatening obesity.

With all that happening you better not pee in the wrong bathroom because it will to quote their churches ”BRING DOWN THE HIGH MORAL STANDARD OF THE COMMUNITY”  I would call the HB2 laws something the churches can sink their teeth into but with the extreme high levels of crystal meth abuse they don’t have enough teeth!

Seriously there are entire counties in these states not connected to water, sewage or electricity, and because of severe debt no longer have police departments, so that begs the questions who if the police cannot be afforded. Who will be called to do the genital check when Darryl, Darryl and their cousin Darryl think a trans person just went into the ladies with their cousin who is also their wife?

Get over yourselves Bible belt, rebuild the schools, and the hospitals and the factories and get the junkies off of crystal meth and all other drugs.

Stop the child abuse, stop the spousal and domestic abuse  and the gun crime because if you have to choose between a glock in the hands of meth head and a trans woman peeing at target give the transgender woman any day.

I’ve had a trans woman go off at me it hurts less than a glock and makes slightly more sense than a meth head.

Have the men making these laws actually looked in a women’s toilet? We don’t stand up to pee you don’t see our clits hanging out in front of urinals. The worse you might see is crumpled undies under the door because for some stupid reason the idiots who make toilets think we need an 8 inch gap on the bottom of the door.

If you want to keep losing millions you can’t afford to lose, ignore the protests and put bouncers on toilet doors. But if you are so fucking stupid that you can’t see how corporate billions staying in your back woods states can fix most of what really ails you, then you deserve to be back in the woods married to your sister divorced from your cousin.