I must dreaming please stop screaming…


Have you ever had a dream, a way out of the Hell that is your existence? a dream that is the only thing that keeps you from tripping off the mortal coil in a PTSD nightmare filled flash back driven life that is only yours in the Nano seconds it takes for one memory of hell to finish and the next to play?

I have, I dreamt of waking back in the bush with wild life and the smell of eucalyptus, a place where my neighbors are nature and geology and red dirt and animals that come when I call and livestock who show undying love and I give it back. To most who know me they would say that’s the outback mia, your remembering anama station, dulkaninna, pinkelly via tibouburra what you speak of is namajirras vision dorothea McKellar’s vision splendid  banjo Patterson’s kosiousckos side or Clancy’s overflow in short my beloved Australia.

Australia will always be where my heart remains but it is also where my hells is it is where my nightmares were born. I can go back for short burst a few months at a time but to live there once again for ever is a thing at least at now I cannot foresee it so the search began for a piece of desert somewhere with all the above qualifications and it took many years and many false starts but finally we found candy kitchen a little piece of Cibola county in New Mexico closer to Arizona border than Albuquerque and the planning began.

What others would call bad luck we called a sign it is 6 miles up a road up a mountain the last 2 miles  4wd drive only, my architect was terrified and quit two builders said you’re bloody  mad and finally we met a couple and they said “we’ll give it a go” and our dream began to take shape.

People still think I’m crazy a wheelchair using seizure suffering PTSD sufferer living on a mountain top completely off the grid. We planned to be there by September 2014 but there is an old saying

“How do you make god laugh? You tell him your plans”

So I was emotionally set to be rid of NYC and go bush as we aussies say, then something came up so it was January. Again hanging on by my nails then el-ninio hit so now it was to be May 2015 a friend from Australia was coming, at the last minute he never showed up at the airport and a month later we found him. After a mound of excuses he said he’d be there august he’d bring thousands to live on and buy a car.

August came he arrived penniless, no clothes, no transport  and hundreds of miles from my place.

I hadn’t seen him in 20 years,the man I knew was as honest as the day is long and a jack of all trades, the man who arrived was con artist, a thief and  a criminal who used my construction timber for fire wood and cost me thousands. A build that should have taken two weeks wasn’t even started, again I am on the point of physical and mental break I have my paradise but am I ever meant to live there?

We finally got rid of our problem by October and we had three months of storms now it’s 2016 its may and were heading there with the intent of going fulltime in June. I was breathing, the end was in sight, may was wonderful but the house is still a long way from finished but our builders are doing their best with what mother nature throws at them but June is cancelled?

June is now, as I write we should be packing the car and driving to our piece of heaven. Were not going now, now it’s set for the last day of august.

During this last year I was attacked they smashed my shoulder, I have a 97%tear of my left rotator cuff and strangulated nerves to my left bicep and  had major surgery in february.

So now even if my emotions were strong enough to still hang on by my fingertips It’s all on one arm, because 5 months after surgery My left arm is useless. My days are spent home alone from 7am to 7pm, just me and my mazing service dog Zeus. He gets my ptsd and my flash backs and my seizures, he doesn’t judge he just does what he’s trained to do and then hundred times more with the love he gives in my darkest moments.

The new go date is last day of august, on a good day both hands can grip the ledge but most days I’m hanging by one with Zeus on my lap and I count the hours. Today is a bad day, I have had a seizure, I have zoned out multiple times and sat bolt upright as I come back to the room. And my left arm is locked and immovable and hurts like hell.

I’m still here,  I’m hanging on,  it’s my vision splendid from the edge of my mountain top that keeps me here. Maybe it will be different next week? maybe it won’t? but the one thing I do know is only dirt on my wheels and fresh air in my hair will make it all worthwhile.

Author: disabledaccessdenied

I am a disabled woman who through no fault of my own has wheels under my ass. I rely on the decency and common sense of local, state and federal goverments, as well as the retail community to abide by the disabled access laws and provide adequate ramps, disabled toilets, and not use them as store rooms or broom closets. This blog exists to find the offenders and out them, inform them, and report them if necessary and shame them into doing the right thing when all else fails.

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