When you make light of my molestation you abuse me all over again

When you say these and so many more platitudes to an incest, rape or molestation survivor you may as well tell them to bend over and take it all over again!
When I was too young for school My older brother who himself was too young to be sexually active started raping me with objects, as he got older he got more sadistic and from the moment he was able to sexually perform he didn’t need the objects he had his own.For 11 years every day we were together when he was told to care for me in case I had a seizure I was molested. It adds up to over 3,000 rapes.
To those who say “people have sex all the time get over it” prey tell how does one get over 3,000 and some rapes? If you know that please bottle it, right a book but whatever you do don’t tell me to pray it away.
Others like me live with PTSD from the terrors, they still visit me every night in living color and during the day if I stop for a while and my head is clear flash backs roll like a midday matinee, not a vague memory it plays like I’m 5 again and it’s happening now.
When these episodes happen the smells come back, the feeling of the rough carpet or floor boards or the pillow your face was shoved into and they never leave. We were too poor for carpets so we had hemp underlay, it was coarse like the kind of twine you tie bales with or parcels till this day no matter how eco- friendly it is I shake at the smell of hemp and can’t look at recycled rugs.
If you really love the survivor, don’t judge, don’t write a book on a platitude a day rewrite a book on love and support. Just be there in the dark hours in the middle of the day be there don’t talk just listen don’t keep at arm’s length unless the end of the arms are around them, that said though be patient with survivors not wanting touch.
I’m in my mid 50’s and I cannot be touched or held or even have an exam from a male doctor if I have an appointment with a man the door must stay open. TV shows where incest or pedophilia are featured bring on flash Backs.
The same way a soldier compartmentalizes the horrors of war, rape and incest and molestation survivors compartmentalize their horror until something happens, a tragedy or death in the family and its like were back in the middle of the rape.
My readers may have noticed , a lot of my more serious stories are written early hours of the morning, the reason why is I see my terrors waiting in the corner like a ghost lurking waiting to bring terror to you the moment you let your guard down.
So I sit and I read or I type until I am so exhausted I simply collapse, and the terrors still come the memories still run the high def. Pictures swirl around until once again at some disgusting hour I am awake in the dark hours trying to remember I’m in new York and I’m middle aged not Australia and a toddler or a tween.
This is my story, every one of the millions of survivors has there’s just like every soldier lived a different war. My therapist has told me if I have therapy every week for the rest of my life I will never get over this my best hope is learn how to live with the memories. My wish for my brothers and sister in survival is they know peace.
One closing note to parents monsters who hurt children don’t lurk in dark alleys, they don’t wear black they preach from the pulpit, your children call them coach or uncle or dad or grandpa or uncle or brother, that scout camp you sent them on thinking they’re safe could be a living hell they’ll never forget.be vigilant everywhere always believe your children never take the side of a stranger and maybe just maybe childhood mght be the innocence it’s meant to be.

Author: disabledaccessdenied

I am a disabled woman who through no fault of my own has wheels under my ass. I rely on the decency and common sense of local, state and federal goverments, as well as the retail community to abide by the disabled access laws and provide adequate ramps, disabled toilets, and not use them as store rooms or broom closets. This blog exists to find the offenders and out them, inform them, and report them if necessary and shame them into doing the right thing when all else fails.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s