Be careful what you wish for?

When I was growing up I was one in a tribe of kids who brought themselves up because our single mother was too busy being the princess of the parade, the highlight of the social circle, the president of the PTA, the president of the social committee at the sports club the one thing she wasn’t the president of or the cheer leader for were her kids! We weren’t brought up we were dragged up.
I left for school at 7am so my pedophile brother couldn’t get me, I stayed late so he would be at work. Tuesdays I was brought up by my lacrosse coach, Thursdays 6-7 lacrosse and 7-9 judo, Fridays straight from school to naval reserves, Saturday I was up at 7 am riding to the lacrosse club and didn’t leave until 9 at night and Sunday I was at lacrosse by 8am finished by 10 then ride 20 kilometers to judo till 4 then 25 home.
The only member of my family that was there as constant was my pedophile brother, he tucked me in every night then tucked into me every single day of every single year till I was 13.
I became a bad ass, I was kicked out more schools than any other child in the history of my state in one year and I still hold the record for the most expulsions. I round house kicked more teachers than I remember, I beat more bullies than I could count and walked out of more classes ran by morons than there are numbers. If it wasn’t for Mike Belnap and the huts (alternative mode learning) and my fellow huts ratz I would have been dead by 21.
At 14 I was throwing 17 year olds out of the roughest pubs for being under aged, I was bouncing hells angels from night clubs at 16, and guarding the world’s elite by 18. At the same time I was qualifying as a chef and getting my anger out on stage as a stand-up why do one thing when three feel better?, I guess I learnt that when I was avoiding my monster every day.
I had a sister who ran away and changed her name and played dead for 20 years, another who married the first sailor who fucked her then became gepetto and controlled that Vietnam vet from ptsd to successful fire chief and boat captain. I had another brother who went from navy to junky to hep c to hells angel in a blink of an eye.In the middle there was the monster who when he was too young to physically rape you any object he could find would do. Once he got his own gear working no one was safe, why let a little fact like being under 5 and related get in the way then there were his play things, myself and his sister!

A manager of security and protection once called me efficiently violent, everyone I knew was getting further away and inside I had a secret, outside I had a problem.
I was so hurt and so broken, so wrong in my heart that you could have been mother Teresa and I probably would have hurt you.
Then one day a light went off and when I could see I was alone, and and the light came from the top and I was at the bottom.
Those who came up with me knew the family I was from and who we were and what we and I were capable of. I swore to a life of non- violence, I swore to mend bridges and for the last 20 years I have.
Now if you were someone from my childhood or my teen years or my twenties two things come to mind, you know what could happen when anyone tries to hurt me or mine, so they are either tough and street wise and know how to handle themselves and live or they’re stupid ignore the signs that say don’t tease the dog beware it bites and do it anyway.
Well four years ago on face book a name popped up, a blast from the past someone who was there for it all, saw it all and knows it all and back then chose to walk away.
They said “hey mia forgive and forget “so we decided they would come from Australia to America, not just America but back into my world. That world is different now, I am permanently disabled, out loud and proud and Buddhist and haven’t round house kicked anyone since Clinton was president.
Whether they thought that made me an easy target or they are terminally ill and want to die, they came,they stole, they lied, and they destroyed my life or took their best shot at it, my new home, my new friends and then they had the balls to ask me for a few thousand to get home.
Well my dear ex friend you are alive now because of three people 1/Buddha
2/my wife Ella
3/ the respect I have left for the old friendship we had.

Why do people think because I am disabled I am low enough to kick? Why do they think because I give them my trust they wipe their asses on it? I am disabled not dead.
If anything has come out of the last three months it is that something Ella and I decided long ago is the only truth, we married under a tree on the 17th of April 1999 and her and I were the only ones under the tree.
I have friends who have helped in this crisis and to them I am both eternally grateful and sorry, grateful because they stepped in when it all hit the fan, and sorry they were ever put in the middle.
Even though they were there it became as clear as sunlight that the only people that can truly count on are each other because we were under the tree.
I have not slept before three am any night in the last three months, I have gained weight after fighting to lose it so hard for two years, and my every dream has been firstly about the molestation then ultimately it’s about the betrayal and me trying to work out why after all these years do they come back and see not the person they walked away from but a disabled woman in a chair and still think “fuck yeah take them for everything they got”?

Well my old rotund bespectacled friend, you must be having nightmares wondering “am I going home to a reception of her friends and family?” “Am I going home at all” “was any of this worth it?”
You see my old friend you are homeless, stinking, dirty, thousands of miles from home, and have tried your best to destroy the one person who ever gave a fuck about you, but tomorrow that person me, will wake up knowing they’re loved, starting to rebuild and still having the friends you did your best to alienate.
You however will simply wake up if you slept at all broke, alone and with a family who turned their backs on you.
Well played my friend, well played, don’t spend your ill-gotten gains all at once and may you live in interesting times.

Author: disabledaccessdenied

I am a disabled woman who through no fault of my own has wheels under my ass. I rely on the decency and common sense of local, state and federal goverments, as well as the retail community to abide by the disabled access laws and provide adequate ramps, disabled toilets, and not use them as store rooms or broom closets. This blog exists to find the offenders and out them, inform them, and report them if necessary and shame them into doing the right thing when all else fails.

1 thought on “Be careful what you wish for?”

  1. PERSEVERANCE… that is what you and I have. It may not come along with millions of dollars or a road paved with ease, but we have it and for that I am grateful.

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