Oh momma if you could see me now, when we last spoke you screamed I was dead to you down the phone and then nothing the line was dead.
When I was a kid, a epileptic shaking more than I breathed you always had a look in your eyes that screamed at the universe “what did I do to deserve this”
when I got in trouble at school you put on two hats, the first you told the school “hell no not my kid”, the second was the silent constant judgement which told a million truths the biggest being the disappointment. Then when you walked in that night and I knew for certain that you knew the molestation was happening and still you turned and left it felt like you were saying “you got what you deserve” when I finally came out and screamed to the universe ” I am out loud and proud and don’t care who knows” evidently you cared, because that was the first time you told me I was dead to you.
When I found love and left for America you judged me again” humph Australia not good enough for you?”
No matter what judgement you passed, no matter what judgement you passed I never did.
No matter what came out of your mouth, your heart ,your hate I was on the phone to you every week religiously never missing a call never missing your venom .
When my book came out you finally meant it, I was evidently really this time dead to you. The final kick in the guts was at your funeral, the card that normally says ” beloved wife of, beloved mother of was there but I wasn’t on it , in death you had the final punch you denied me as a final act as if I had never been born.
Funny thing mum the very people you said would never understand, my cousins flocked around me in support when you died,hell I even have another transgender cousin in the family and she has the love of the people you screamed I had to be hidden from.
Well mom you have been gone six months ,the hurt is still here but momma ,oh momma if you could see me now. My wife loves me, her family adopted me as their own they can’t understand a mother disowning a child, to them that’s the abomination not me.
I have a place in this life, a true place in my own light even though I write this as I sit in a coffee shop waiting for my counseling session to try to undo some of the fucked up mess the molestation and your denial of it created I still am a winner. The wheels under my ass don’t slow me they make me get to the joy life gives of so much faster.
I never stopped loving you momma I. Am sorry you died such a twisted bitter woman.
Someone smart once said ” he’d never seen a armored car following a hearse” you can’t take money with you but if you get this fucked up thing called life right, just right you can have love following you all the way to the grave and beyond, that’s my goal momma and so far it working out ok.
Merry Christmas where ever you are, where ever it is I know there will be box wine to the right and a bloody good garden you could always harvest a good garden just not a crop of love.
Well if my Buddhist teachings are right you get a few a more hundred times to get it right maybe one day you will.