How do you replace a child you’ve thrown away?

When My sister divorced in 1974 my mom took down all her pictures and repainted the wall, where they once were so there was no faded square to tell the world she ever existed. From that day on her name was never spoken.
When my sister and I were brave enough after more than a decade to tell the world our older brother was pedophilic rapist and we were his victims, she took our pics down and the wall got a fresh coat of paint.
Twenty years later when I finally wrote a biography and told all she went even further, my phone rang and all I heard were four hateful words ”your dead to me”.
I know how to fill a hole in a wall god knows I’ve punched more than my share of holes in walls, but when you have spent decades telling everyone your child is your heart they are everything to you and then wake up one day and take down their pictures paint the wall and tell them “your dead to me” what kind of spakfilla fixes the hole in your heart?
Do they ever wake up at night and wonder where their throw away children are? Do they ask themselves when the child that came out of them is hurt or scared whose name do they cry for now that they can no longer cry momma? I know I still have screaming nightmares and in them I have a mother and a whole litter of siblings can I be the only one that remembers?
That remembers the Christmas tree with 6 shiny new bikes, remembers the table so long on Christmas day a wall had to be removed to fit everyone who loved me around it? Remember the weekends for years spent at the lacrosse club the judo tournaments do they ever remember?
I like so many thrown away children see a therapist because to never ever say the words “have you met my mom” “have you met my brothers and sisters?” to know for certain the day I die no one will stand there and say “she was a great sibling” or “I am her brother her sister her niece her nephew” to know no one will ever use those words to describe me ever again is something I have trouble wrapping my brain around.
Somewhere in the world I have over a hundred extended family, brothers, sisters, cousins, nephews, nieces, two sons a mother and a step father a dozen uncles and aunts and yet on the best day here in New York it is just Ella poppa and zeus and me.
I know this sounds like woe is me, but my ego is not that big that I would think for a moment that this has only happened to me, I know that all over the world this very minute parents are telling a child ”GET OUT DON’T EVER COME BACK YOUR DEAD TO ME” In some countries for no other crime than a girl wants an education in most because they’re gay and they came out to those whom are meant to love them unconditionally.
I’m already past 50, my years left on this life will not be another 50 and my mom is over 80 as is my step father my oldest brothers and sisters are already retired have those words “you’re dead to me” doomed us all to trip off this mortal coil alone knowing only you stood your ground ? when I leave I know I don’t want the only thing to be a freshly painted wall where memories once hung.
January 20th January 28th march 27th march 31st may 1st june 4th june 19th November 16th December 15th all come and go and have done for decades and in place of birthday cards cake and family around a table for me it is replaced by a quiet memory as I realize the date and a day of depression.
I can’t change history, I’ll never see my family again so all I ask, no plead is if you’re a parent for godsake think before you ever let those four words leave your mouth. Leave the pictures on the wall and the love in your heart and your children in your life no matter how bad the rule they broke for everyones sake.

Author: disabledaccessdenied

I am a disabled woman who through no fault of my own has wheels under my ass. I rely on the decency and common sense of local, state and federal goverments, as well as the retail community to abide by the disabled access laws and provide adequate ramps, disabled toilets, and not use them as store rooms or broom closets. This blog exists to find the offenders and out them, inform them, and report them if necessary and shame them into doing the right thing when all else fails.

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