Therapy awaits

I’m sitting at the bean coffee shop on 13th and broadway with therapy for PTSD less than two hours away and yet it seems like I never left. Last week at the same time I sat in the same place with the same trepidation because everytime I see anne we talk about my childhood and the molestation both when it happened the first time and how many times it has replayed in my head since last we met.
Who invented this system? Maybe my friend the doc can tell me she spends all days shrinking people and from what I hear heshe is damn good at it, but I digress.
This is how it works from my uneducated understanding, I lived the rapes the assaults the attempts to kill me and the gang rapes from three years of age till almost 14, then because I moved on so did my monster to my baby sister and I witnessed that too.
So then I spend years either beating the memories out of every person drinking them out of me or putting enough white powder up my nose that even if they were in their somewhere the memories were stoned too give a shit hell I know I was. But then I stopped binge drinking got sober and ended up in a wheelchair so no more chugging snorting and thumping so the nightmares came up for air and never left.
I wake screaming most nights, several times a night and by the time I stop it’s time to wake, but nightmares like morning sickness have a commonality both names are misnomers pregnant women puke all day and nightmares happen all day whether you’re sleeping or not. People used to say “Mia why do you put up so many articles ? why do you do so many sports? Simple if the monsters find one minute when my brain isn’t active they move in like an unwanted relative at Christmas and never leave.
I find myself looking at beautiful clouds and suddenly they become a screen and the flashbacks role the Hudson river becomes campbelltown 1977 and then once a week a so called trained professional sits in a leather chair across small room and asks an inane question like “ HOW WAS YOUR WEEK?”
We’ll it’s 9am and in two hours not two blocks from here I will sit across a small basement room from a tiny woman and she will ask “SO HOW WAS YOUR WEEK?”
So it’s time for a quad espresso to prepare for her coffee will have to do jack Daniels at 9am just isn’t done and speed upsets the authorities.

Author: disabledaccessdenied

I am a disabled woman who through no fault of my own has wheels under my ass. I rely on the decency and common sense of local, state and federal goverments, as well as the retail community to abide by the disabled access laws and provide adequate ramps, disabled toilets, and not use them as store rooms or broom closets. This blog exists to find the offenders and out them, inform them, and report them if necessary and shame them into doing the right thing when all else fails.

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