There are many illnesses and infections that are opportunistic,infections that get into the smallest paper cut that can end up with the loss of a limb , illnesses in a group that seek out the weakest amongst the group like a heat seeking missile and quickly that person is seriously ill. All those infections and diseases are physical,viral they hurt the body but one just as heinous effects the body and the soul through the mind, that is PTSD.
PTSD seems ,to me at least to know when I’m depressed, when I have been snowed in for a month or when I have a physical injury and it hits. With almost twenty snow storms back to back since January 1st and epileptic seizures one after another and torn rotator cups in both shoulders deciding now is the perfect time to play up causing my left arm to be totally unusable for over a month.
I have barely left home this year for more than a doctors appointment, sitting in a studio apartment 30 by 20 unable to leave I find the walls becoming video screens, and my mind projecting every dark memory of my soul in high def over and over and over again.
Every attack ,every injury, every cut to my body heart and soul plays like it happened yesterday. I don’t know about other people who live with PTSD, but my terrors are interactive, it’s almost like an evil game of Sims where when the terrors play I’m not in my 50’s in NYC I am where ever it happened, how ever old I was when it happened and it is in vivid technicolor right there in the room. The monsters are here, the acts happen over and over and over again and that noise that seems muffled like someone else is screaming in the next apartment suddenly is less muffled and I realise it’s me.
Zeus helps when I am able to cognitize that he is actually here, but you have to be in the here and the now to let a trained service dog serve, until that happens his ministrations are merely so much extraneous activity that your mind has shut out till the video stops playing.
I always loved the cities I have visited but since we moved here , the closeness of neighbors and the total lack of nature has me climbing the walls we are moving to a desert property and that may help, but it probably won’t you see the terrors are always playing in my mind and that is only as large as it was when the video was first made.
There have been times when it has been so bad for a second it seemed easier not to be here and there have been times when I have tried to drown the demons in alcohol but that just added to my woes. If your PTSD is not from military service and you feel suicidal contact the Trevor project and please be here tomorrow.
If you are one of our nations bravest and finest and the PTSD is because the war followed you home please contact the wounded warrior project.
Please don’t be a statistic the only statistic we want next to your name is hero who served honorably and made it home.
I live with mine some days merely be most I am lucky I have someone who loves me because I don’t have many friends . I am here today and I plan to be tomorrow if you need someone to connect with contact me through the blog maybe we can make it to the day after tomorrow together.