Why won’t they let us forget?

PTSD is hard enough to live with when the memories just live in your soul, whether the memories are of a gun battle in Iraq or of a family member crawling into your bed every night of your entire childhood and raping you the screams are just as loud, the terror is just as debilitating and the life it steals is just as gone, completely utterly gone. So why does holly wood, and television think it is great fodder for scripts?

Every night I awake screaming a dozen times, and I also have a type of seizures that are caused by the flashbacks and nightmares. So whether I shake with fear from flashbacks, or in full blown seizure it tears life down just the same.

So when I finally awake in the morning everything is in a cloud, and I try to keep my mind full. No corners, no hollows, no empty spaces because the moment there is the freak show that is my demon takes the space and on the terror goes. Most days I try to fill those holes with television, meditation, movies and writing and it used to work, until now

This week 9 out of the 10 cop and drama shows I usually enjoy were on the topic of serial pedophiles, and they showed graphic encounters with small children and the terror in their eyes, in their body language was just too damn real.

The trouble is you don’t know until you see the first scene that your worst nightmare that plays like the script writers know your darkest secrets is about to roll in front of your eyes. You don’t need to see the whole thing,just one or two disgustingly familiar scenes and you’re screwed. Today the scene started with a grown man sexily walking his fingertips on a young boys shoulder and I was gone, it wasn’t 2014 new York it was 1972 Adelaide Australia and I was hiding in the hall cupboard hoping this one time he would walk past and not hear my sobbing. He didn’t walk past, he did hear me and the sobs turned to screams then whimpers then if I was lucky I passed out, I rarely did.

What sick fuck in a room full of sick fucks looked at this script treatment and said “winner, that’s entertainment”? If you want to write these stories they should come with a warning, they didn’t and it took two hours for me to travel back to current day time and place.

Every person who lives with PTSD  has their own personal trigger, my brother-in-law is a Vietnam veteran his is simply hearing the language. I once saw him change from a proud firemen, a father of two on his way to a wedding suddenly change to a soldier in-country screaming in Vietnamese and making gun shapes with his fingers and reaching for a dagger that wasn’t there. It all happenned just because a Vietnamese driver pushed in in front of him in the gas line and flipped him the bird and swore in vietnamese, we were scared, they were terrified it was sad and  it was scary  but not until that moment did I have the smallest micron of understanding of what he must have seen.

Another friend who also served in nam used to dive behind walls and garbage cans, every time a car would back fire.It was too much for him, he committed suicide and his not said life was just too much.

When your PTSD is from rape or molestation the triggers are from TV or vision of any kind like I described. Mine ,my lowest point that made me look for therapy was the hanging scene in a movie called “once we were warriors” that movie is now 29 years old and I still cannot watch it past that scene, the first time had me hospitalized and I knew then  that for life to continue. I, we all of us living in the dark with our memories had to become warriors, we had to fight on ,fight the demons , fight the monsters and no matter how many hours in front of a stranger or cuddles of a service dog we have to fight we had to be warriors there are just a lot of days when putting on the armor and picking up the sword is so damn hard.

Next time your friend, your brother, your lover your sister, your son or daughter seems to be mentally in another place don’t scream at them to come back into the room just be there with love and compassion when they return hug them don’t say you understand hopefully you never will.

Let your love be their sword and armor and your silent understanding be the ammunition they need to make it write notes to them of love so they never reach a place of leaving that one last note for you.

We want to make it we really do just some days are harder than others, let the networks know you don’t find molestation amusing, you don’t think serial pedophiles make good ratings, let them know the beautiful mind and soul of your child needs to stay unpolluted so stop making these shows like the topic is so much light hearted fluff it’s not it is in fact soul destroying garbage.

Travelling In your wheelchair this thanksgiving? If you’re flying it might be quicker to roll!

If you have never flown in your wheelchair before thanksgiving is not the time to learn, because if you are a rookie it can be a cluster fuck.
Booking- it’s better to book through an agent , or on the phone with a live human because you can get names ,staff id numbers office they are in , where in the country they are and print all this in triplicate as every employee will want a copy to show his supervisor.

CHECKING IN- get there two hours early, and have everything on paper
they have seperate check in lines for wheelchairs, ignore loud assholes yelling for you wait your turn, it’s your right!
Depending on if you’re travelling domestic or international every airline has an office of disabled travel. Do not confuse this with the people who push you they are paid by the airport and should be avoided they treat you like you’re demented.
By law if you’re travelling in a wheelchair you’re allowed to bring a spare and or extra wheels free of charge.
Print out the relevant pages from the ADA regarding travel in case you get the village idiot.
Don’t be afraid to demand a supervisor

POWER CHAIRS- if you use a power chair bring the manual depending on the type of battery it will have to be tested as if it is the same kind of battery as a cell phone it will not be allowed.
If there are wires on your chair or plugs that cannot be unplugged make sure you inform the person who takes it from you and make them attach a note in front of you while you watch, there is nothing worse than arriving across the world to a chair not working because some fool pulled every plug he saw.
Also with power chairs arrive three hours early.

Every single person you will encounter will act like they own the airline, and they will all demand nonexistent paper work or proof you’re disabled.
TAKE PHOTOS OF THE CONDITION OF YOUR CHAIR WITH TIME AND DATE STAMP- I have never flown anywhere that my chair was not dropped thrown or damaged in some way.

FLIGHT CONNECTIONS- do not book flights with quick connections , because no matter how well you got on the first plane the people at the next connection must be made to feel like demigods,
They will demand to redo every test,
Redo every call to check every fact
And of course they will want their very own copy of every piece of information you have given the previous people because they are after all god!

TSA- They are ignorant
They are uninformed
They are not police
They have basic, very basic training
ASSUME THEY HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THE ADA – I was once told to stand up out of my chair walk over and wait in the corner, when I told them it was impossible I was reported as combatant and a body search was ordered)


They will push you to the back of the line and make you wait,

If you get a smart compassionate one slip them a ruffy and bring them with you they are very, very, very rare





SERVICE DOGS ON PLANES- they must by law provide space for your dog in the same row at your feet as you are seated,
They cannot crate restrain or muzzle your dog.


THE ADA IS A FEDERAL LAW do not allow hicks in certain states to rant “WELL YOU’RE IN OUR STATE AND WE HAVE OUR OWN RULES”
The smartest way to travel when you’re disabled is always with someone else for support but remember

Sorry I didn’t see you, sorry I didn’t see you.sorry I kicked your wheelchair I didn’t see you!

Soccer balls are round and black and white, american footballs are pointy  and wheelchairs are made of steel and upholstery but hey I can see how a supposed non disabled person with 20/20 vision could mistake them? not

I used to think that only stupid people on the subway kicked my chair because they didn’t give a fuck but then I started travelling and staying 5 star  and still the assaults on my chair my wheels and worst of all my service dog got even worse.

The Waldorf Astoria on christmas morning was equally dangerous and it wasnt the busboy but the actual restaurant  manager kicked my service dog and trod on his head and blamed the dog? I called his boss the general manager of the hotel and the response was “he can’t be expected to look down”?
Really so if it wasn’t  my dog it would have  been a toddler or someones bags or coats and then they slip over and the customer wears a meal on their expensive clothing?

The W hotel is my go to place in Union square, don’t get me wrong that hotel rocks but 48 hours ago Ella and I dropped in for a quick dinner and my chair was kicked so hard I was lifted off my wheels and we had to move zeus twice to keep him safe?

ACCESSIBILITY folks doesnt mean I can roll in the door on a flat surface ,it means that a person in a wheelchair with a service dog can roll in stay, eat make use of your services with safety and comfort equal to that of an abel bodied person without being assaulted and sorry there is no such place in north America. what a sad indictment  that we pay the same, yet we get no guarantee of mere safety let alone quality in any other part of the experience.

STOP THE EXCUSES! don’t tell me “we don’t normally have wheelchairs and dogs to step around it’s not our fault” I am 6ft 4 inches when I used to be  able to stand up and on my bad days I weigh 280 and with my chair thats over three hundred pounds  and in my chair I take up 6sq ft of space.
 So what you’re really saying is “my staff are too stupid and blind to not be able to walk around something the size of a table for four and as tall as an armoire?”

If you and your staff think that is accessibility, if you think kicking and stomping and assaulting something that by its very existence is already seriously injured and in your care for a few hours is ok and a bullshit excuse will cover your ass you have no place in the job you hold you have no place anywhere where the care and comfort of anything with a heart beat is required.

There is an old aussie saying “I’m not backward in coming forward” what that means  is I will not go quietly into the goodnight If I see bullshit I call it, if I see incompetence I call it. If you don’t like it somewhere a mcdonalds drivethrough is missing it’s idiot, so reppeat after me “DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?”

Whether I am paying $2,000 a night at the plaza or eating pizza in the W, I deserve safe courteous caring smiling service and not excuses and never abuse.

Remember now soccer ball is round Mia is large?  there is an obvious difference one you’re allowed to kick the other is wrong, it’s not rocket science.

Manhattan,where you can meet a physcopath,a gentleman and a guru all on one block!

When I awoke this morning I was too sick to move, I had an 11am meeting with a friend in Manhattan I had to blow off but at lunchtime after two days of dealing with fools best buy(the name is a lie run Forrest run) finally agreed my brand new laptop was a lemon and they would replace it off to Manhattan we rolled.
The trip in was uneventful and after rolling into bestbuy Union square they were semi intelligent, semi polite and semi upright (after siccing Ella on them I think they were scared) after twenty minutes it was decided we had a store credit equal to what we spent the day we bought the lemon so puter shopping we a went!
A light weight 8gb memory toshiba laptop was chosen and the $100 cash difference was given in cash.
We were told at 4pm if we came back at 6pm it would be fully loaded.

Well we made the mistake of going across to Union square, they had it seems built a Christmas village of vendors and the 10,000 shoppers that came with it . Imagine tents 8 feet apart trees with wrought iron surrounds in the middle 10,000 supposed humans me in a wheelchair and a service dogAAAARRRGGGH

We put up with it for a nano second bought a few things and quickly sought refuge in the bean coffee shop, later after we picked the computer up had dinner and headed for home.
As we rolled down to the station after the first elevator at 14th st we rolled to the second as we got the second and final elevator there was a large filthy ranting homeless man with another wheelchair using man in front . As the doors to the elevator opened the large man stood in the middle of an elevator large enough for four wheelchairs screaming like a primal Neanderthal ONLY ONE over and over so with safety in mind we waited .

Unfortunately although we waited the elevator opened delivering us to Neanderthal mans waiting arms! As I rolled towards him he started ranting “in his country my kind would be dissected with garden shears starting with the fingers?”
As I rolled past with Zeus on guard he had moved on to ” jumping rope with intestines being a favorite torture in his country and things even more gross we held our breath until a safe distance past.

As the train we boarded, an N. Finally got to our stop once again they had decided to stop a level higher than where we normally stopped with no elevator I was forced to crawl down about fifty feet to the level my train would stop on (see pic of me at the top)


As I crawled several hundred people on the floor below but no one helped, many criticized the disgusting person crawling, until Ella screamed at an employee of the railway and he carried my chair down the two flights of stairs.

Finally a train arrived and the several hundred pushed in front until a young guy in college sports wear yelled HAVE YOU NO MANNERS? THIS WOMAN IS IN A WHEELCHAIR. ! The red headed old school gentleman parted the crowd like Moses parting the Red Sea and Ella and I were placed seated and safe forget a tree growing in Brooklyn I found a gentleman alive and well in midtown and that’s rarer than Sasquatch.

On most trips to madhattan its feast or famine with no middle ground, either a collection of enlightened beings and ohm is in the air, or a convention of monosyllabic troglodytes. Who think to conjugate a verb requires lube and a condom!
Today we chanted with former Tibetan monks, ate the food of the gods at the W hotel and was safe guarded by gentleman on the MTA, we made it home in one peace although some dignity was once again left on a stairway but no city is perfect. To my lovers of a good horror story if you hurry to the Q train platform at 14th st. You’ll catch the end of how to have fun with entrails tell him Mia sent you.

The words read around the world

When I first started my blog in January 2011 my goal was a place for me to kvetch,out of my complaining came The realization if it affected me it was affecting others. Firstly I wanted to help my community, my town, my country, but no sooner had I reached that goal than a English magazine for the disabled asked me to write for them.
From 500 readers the first month to a readership of over 280,000 now it continues to amaze.
But mia you say only New Yorkers read it right? Hell no,today 40 readers from the people’s republic of Laos and several hundred from India, Bhutan, Nepal,Bangladesh and even obscure parts of the former USSR such as khamilkaya and Georgia ?
On a daily basis over 150 different countries and as many languages with English speaking countries being the minority is the average.
When I first wrote this blog I asked a revered member of the Buddhist community for his opinion, he replied ” if you must throw a pity party get the damn thing catered” I thought how un-Buddhist Of him,but after my ego healed he reminded me of a prayer we Buddhists say when
We eat
” may this food not benefit I but give me the energy to help all other sentient beings first and through helping them first only then may I receive benefit”

The essence of that prayer is the essence of my blog,” only through being the vehicle for all others to benefit first shall I truly myself live a better more fulfilling life. To those 150 countries thank you and blessed be!

Jetstar at Perth Western Australia airport says “no wheelchair ” to woman with cerebral palsy!”

The airline industry couldn’t find their humanity with both hands, when I was in Australia in 2010 virgin Australia pulled up to a staircase instead of a sky walk and put my wheelchair at the bottom expecting a disabled woman to suddenly be cured and walk down the stairs, when I refused they reported I was taking over the plane? Cost them thousands.
Delta in Newyork made me crawl to my seat because “they didn’t have time to push me down the aisle” so to hear that a woman had to carry her sister over 100 meters through airport because they refused her a wheelchair while intensely disgusting me doesn’t unfortunately surprise me.
Their excuse she didn’t look disabled? What do we look like? I lost the catalogue what does this years model look like? I mean to believe the idiots that run the worlds airlines we are all like the porcelain warriors found in China, identical clones? Aren’t we? I get ” you don’t look disabled all th time, before I was permanently disabled I stood 6ft4inches 25 inch biceps 36 inch waist and 72 inch chest now because of Loss of some muscle control the bottom half isn’t as impressive but the biceps from pushing my ample frame around the world are even larger.
We are humans not humanoids, yes some of us have a diagnosis that creat outward signs of severe disability but it’s outward were all beautiful decent humans on the inside and for Christ sake a sister who would carry her loved one on her back over 100 meters exemplifies the best in us all.
Jetstar is the only clone in this story, unfortunately they have cloned he worst that exists in the world of international flight and therefore should hang there head in shame.
In a week where Australia remembers World War One, Gallipoli Simpson and his donkey and the best we have who died to keep the wide brown land beautiful and free you jetstar are the worst .

Florida Has a New Name ” The Hypocrite State”

Before I get bombarded by my regulars, nothing has changed, I am still Buddhist and think as someone once said “religion is for the opiate of the masses.”

That said we all have a past and mine includes studying the bible for many years under the tutelage of learned men who walk the walk and talk the talk.

A 90 year old chef and two priests were handcuffed and arrested this week in Tallahassee for the horrible crime of feeding the homeless! Yes, you heard it, being compassionate to the homeless gets senior citizens and clergy arrested.

Florida in the run up to this election has had gubernatorial, congressional and senatorial candidates of all persuasions screaming “put God back in schools,” “ban gay marriage it’s ungodly,” and even some want evolution not to be taught.
When you go to court in any state, and Florida is no different, the judge sits under the words – In God we Trust.

When you’re called to give evidence you’re told to place your hand on the bible and swear the evidence you give is the truth “so help me god” and the final quirk is in Florida an aethiest is forbidden to hold public office? I swear it’s true.

Now one would think with this bile inducing holier than thou attitude following gods teaching to the very red letter would get you elected, canonized even, not arrested? One would think.

The bible has an old rule, any lie can be found once but a truth is written three times, What this means is if you’re a hate filled teabagger you can find once somewhere in the bible a verse to prove your point but only once for it to be true it must be written multiple times.

So look up feeding the poor

1/ He who refuses but one of mine refuse me

2/ The sermon on the mount

3/ Jesus sharing with prostitutes

4/ The teaching that to gain a seat in heaven a rich man must give it all away

There are so many more, be unFloridian and actually look for yourself.

But for Florida or anywhere else in this great nation to shove the bible down our throat with one hand while handcuffing us with the other for living it’s word — well you become the abomination, you become the vile anti-Christ, not the gays, not women who want abortions, not any other uttering by the the imbecilic Roberts on the 700 club.

In revelations there is probably the most prophetic teaching

“in the final days many will come proclaiming they come in my name beware for I know them not”

So to the politicians, police, and judges who scream what they think is the word of God as they arrest and vilify those who actually live it, you’re busted your God already warned us to ignore you!

In closing studies have proven more than 80% of the homeless in this country are veterans so before you sit at the diner next week crying platitudes about people being un-American and how if I gave you a gun you’d get those damn Muslims, when was the last time you took a veteran home for dinner?

Silence – never done it? Didn’t think so. So, you go home play with your big guns and let real Americans like this amazing old chef do the hard work. They do it quietly, get it done and ask nothing in return. You know, like that book you talk about tells them to. You should really read it sometime.