PTSD these days is most often connected to our heroes the wounded warriors, those returning from the Iraq/afghanistan conflict, but the title corrects that misnomer it stands for post traumatic stress disorder. So infact any traumatic stress, any hell any rape any murder any memory that just won’t die can be the cause of PTSD.
Mine is from 10 years of child molestation, and even though I’m half way through a century on this earth in my darkest moments of depression on any day when the room is silent lets the monster back in. Infact anytime my brain quiets itself for the shortest time, anyone of many thousands of events ranging from improper touch to full on rape by my monster crawl back into my mind in full hi-def living color.
People ask “does it only happen at night? everyone has nightmares” nightmares like morning sickness is a stupid name, women get sick 24/7 when their pregnant and the nightmares become day mares ,afternoon mares so we just call them flash backs.
A relative I love dearly is a war hero, his hell was called Vietnam he came home in 1974 but to those who love him he tells his soul didn’t make it till at least 1984 I feel the same. My rapes ended at 14 years of age, but from 15 to 25 I was noone you wanted to know I was a martial arts expert and the world became my punching bag and I never met a bottle with a bottom I didn’t like or a bong I didn’t suck dry. The trouble was by 25 when I got my shit together, I had done so much damage 30 years later I’m still Putting out fires.
veterans suffer a similar fate, with our prisons full of veterans who ended up incarcerated before they found help. So how do you live with flash backs of monsters pinning you down and being penetrated? while at the same time you live with a family who turned their back, the very people who should be there when you want to scream don’t care how loud your screams are because they’re not listening.
If you’re finally lucky like I am you find someone who not only hears the screams they hold you till it stops, but the sadness is I have known many who were lost before they found their person to hold them. Service dogs for PTSD work but are expensive if you’re not in the military, and group therapy is ok if you were lucky enough to ever learn to trust again. Me I am a one on one person, but when my therapist told me ” a person with one traumatic event can expect healing to take years maybe decades, but with you the events number thousands so to use the term healed anytime in your life would be to unfairly build your hopes up”
At that moment I rolled away, because the thought of spending tuesdays for the rest of my life in a small room with a stranger was not what I saw my future to be.
Today I am writing this blog post, because to my left I see the usher waiting to let me know the hi-def movie that is my horror is loaded and waiting to show.
I’ll fill my voids with swimming and rockwall climbing and road racing and anything else that pushes life to the edge and makes my loved ones squirm, because they squirm but it reminds me I am alive and If I am alive I won I beat the bastard. Somewhere there is a disgusting obese elderly pedophile living the life of a hermit, because he’s not allowed contact with children or families or anyone that matters and today my wife of 15 years will come home love me hold me and sleep beside me. So is my life troubled with PTSD ? hell yes but I have a soft place to fall when it is at its worse, I have someone to hold me till I fall back to sleep and when I wake screaming and for me that’s good enough.
To my brothers and sisters In the struggle, I wish you know the love I know, and to our government bring our soldiers home now, what you call a war is nothing more than a factory churning out damaged heros who were in a country they should never have been in sent to fight a war that was none of their business and the thousands who have died should never have fallen and the hundreds of thousands who come home less than when they left are in need of love and understanding and help. So let them know if the government won’t keep their promise we the people have their backs.