Just When life seems set and on an even keel the universe will bite you back

When My first marriage went upside down almost 20 years ago I lost my children, my ex got them. For a while I tried my best to be in their lives, but the family law of the day was slanted seriously firstly against the non custodial parent and secondly against the LGBTQ. while sexual preference or gender identity  was not allowed to be a reason for divorce the judge can use it as a morals standard and they did.

 I stayed in my home country for a few years and  I spoke to the children several times a month, I sent presents and even though there was no financial order and I was broke I sent money when I could. When I met my now wife we moved to the united states, as a  parent the ex did a great job but emotionally she poisoned them against me. Slowly as they got older the lies about me came thick and strong and the divide grew wider.

My son is now 24 my daughter is 18, when she was 16 she declared herself bisexual- lesbian and I was proud of her bravery for coming out. I tried to stay in touch but when I would call the ex would simply hang up on me.  This week I found that my amazing child came out as trans and was living as a man, to come out as gay is one thing because for the most part in small country town Australia if you look biological but are gay they ignore you but to cross the line and be transgender to most of the hicks is unforgivable.

My now son lives in the most secluded of country areas and it’s dangerously judgmental, so for him to come out and stay is brave and I applaud him. Last night for the first time probably since I left Australia we talkedfor more than 2 minutes, we listened we exchanged info and my emotions erupted. To survive the separation I had to harden my heart and try to stop worrying about them, I had to tell myself the ex cared for them and If I kept getting upset I  was only knocking my head against a wall because I had no way of ever being involved.

Yesterday when I found out about his change and decision I became mother protector, I worried for his safety. I called contacts in his home town to set up a safety net if he needed it, and then when I finally heard his confident voice and we even laughed together the years of hardness melted away and I was a parent again. And it hurt and it felt good and it was confusing and all of those emotions in one huge ball of pain and pleasure,  and I cried and we parted ways on the phone with I hope with a bridge built and with him knowing  that if he needs it no strings attached I am here I always have been. Just till last night I had no way of letting him know, Now I can listen to those people who proffer the advice that one day they will find a way to your door and maybe just maybe believe it might happen.

HEY UNIVERSE make up your mind, am I meant to be in their lives?  Well you who read me know if they are in my life they will become regular topics on this blog, because this is where I scream safely at the universe and up until last night the pain of never knowing them was a big part of that screaming. I’m still here  andstill fighting but just maybe from now on the good days might outweigh the bad more.

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