Old Habits

 Old habits die hard when you have had to as a child learn to survive hell before the age that most learn to ride a bike, so you get set in your ways. When at the age of 4 or 5 you have to learn to survive rape every day, and pretend to be a normal toddler because your monster swears he’ll kill mommy if you tell you become good at secrets you become good at building walls and living two lives.

 When that life continues all through your prime developmental years until you’re 14,the years when doctors say kids learn everything they need for life it turns out they’re right because I learned everything I needed. I let no one in I trusedt no one  and I quickly learned to show the world one picture the one they need to see so life goes on, all the while living one that not even felons doing life should ever have to survive. When this is your life or what passes for one  you learn  to answer what teachers social workers and police need to hear to go away satisfied to wrap it up, you survive by building impregnable walls and there is only one small gate and you hold the key and if anyone ever gains entry they have gone through emotional and life vetting that the CIA  would be impressed by.

 By the time you’re in high school you’re surrounded by dozens close to few, when you start working you mix with everyone take no one home and when you eventually decide the world  needs to believe you are dating or even ready to marry you choose the safest easiest pic on offer someone who want little demands even less.  Then when you have the bad days and they are many they will ask nothing,  question less in short you slide through life praying for the day when you will just once sleep the whole night without the pedophile creeping into your dreams just like they once crawled into your bed.

 Every night of your 20’s and 30’s you go to sleep an adult, and once sleep hits you became a scared silently sobbing toddler because your dreams are inside that wall the day time hours are still being lived to placate the inquiring society around you whether or not they actually still give  damn or not. For so many years this was my life,  I’m in my 50’s now and since I met my darling Ella the bricks have come down at least a course or two and the few friends  I once new in m young life one by one were invited back over the wall into my life. That wall just 15 years ago went all the way to the sky, these days you can sit on it when we share but it is still there enough for m to feel safe in the dark moments when life gets bad.

Every now and then I make old mistakes, I make a new friend and it feels safe it feels comfortable and I get excited and when I do  I almost lose it all. That happened this week, I made a new friend a year ago and we clicked and I started to feel safe so I got excited  and I crossed some lines and broke a few rules our friendship has. I almost lost a beautiful thing, and it scared me because this person is special and cool an down to earth they are   everything I hoped they would be. I pulled myself up in time( I hope) because life is better these days and when life gets better you need to let good things in and share the joy. I’ll keep living I’ll keep learning and getting better, and enjoying the great joy that special people bring, so please  readers start kicking down your walls, and tell the monsters of youth to get the hell out of your dreams . If you need to help to evict your monsters there’s no shame in therapy but choose wisely, I have had some duds and am right now in the market for a smart caring but PROFESSIONAL listener myself.   Please let me share just one tip survivors of molestation learn,  that is the best revenge you can ever have on your molester is to live a life full of joy, to live a wonderful life because like all things bad they must live in the darkness because their evil glows in the light. Blessed be

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